Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Uncomfortable... Written on 5/13/09



I can feel it.  It's creeping up my spine, through my stomach, up to my heart and head.  That feeling is back. It's a feeling of discomfort.  I'm hungry to fulfill my destiny; to do what I was put here to do.  My purpose is not to sit at a desk doing menial administrative tasks.  Don't get me wrong, I am more than thankful for my job.  I am thankful for the relationships that I have formed, skills that i have learned, and the financial needs that it has helped me fill.  Being thankful and knowing that you aren't fulfilled is not mutually exclusive.  There comes a time, when the things that you hold on to for dear life are holding on to you, too; keeping you from getting to the next level.  This could be a job, a position within a job, a significant other, friends, or personal characteristics or flaws.

What would it take to say, "____________ has served it's purpose in my life, but now it is time to release it and move on to something new"?  Are you ready to take the risk?  Are you ready to succeed and fail?  I ask that because there is a right way to do both.

At this point, I'm on my way to the ledge.  The project that I work on will be up soon.  When I first learned this, I was scared.  I wasn't ready to lose my job.  I didn't have enough money saved. I didn't know my next step.  Didn't know if I had enough to live on.  Just fearful.  It's still there, to be honest, but I am working on it.  I prayed to keep the job for as long as I needed.  I talked to the powers that be about what they planned for me after the project was over.  I took on additional responsibilty in other departments to solidify the need to keep me.

I've been walking closer to the ledge, getting ready for the future, but I'm going back and forth since I am a thinker.  In that sense, I would like to get a part time job or do something that requires less of my time so that I can use it to work on and build my businesses.  In the meantime, I've been plotting, researching, and making plans.  It makes me feel better, because I'm working out the kinks.  I'm working with a friend on my expense list, so that I am 100% clear on what I need to maintain my modest and comfortable lifestyle.  It's not as bad as I thought, so it took away some of my worries.

Why am I telling you all of this?  First, it is a part of getting to know me: transparency.  Also, I want you to understand that Big Divas struggle with things sometimes, too!  Sure, we are confident and positive, but we can make bad decisions and have issues that we need to work on, just like anyone else.  We are human and life happens.  It's how you handle life that is the difference between a big girl and a Big Diva.  A big girl runs away from major decisions.  She doesn't have faith in herself to do what she could and should do.  She lets her fear of failure stop her from living.  A big girl decides to remain comfortable, even when she is unhappy or not living up to her full potential.  This may not lead to anything bad, but it does lead to missed opportunites that can limit you in terms of happiness or fulfillment.  It's unattainable if you sit it out.  A Big Diva assesses the situation and then acts on what she feels is the best option.  If she fails in the process, she acknowledges the failure, reassesses the situation, gets up, brushes herself off, and then tries again.

What are some opportunities that you've missed out on because of fear?  What have you done to make sure that that doesn't happen again?

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