Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How a Drive By Changed My Life - Part II

I sat in my car crying for what felt like hours.  I just could not move.  I was so wrapped up in everything that I was feeling, I forgot to even call the police.  I took a deep breath and it came to me.  "You are still here,"  I said out loud.  That one sentence filled every cell in my body and every organ.  It completely resonated with me.  I felt warmth, enveloped in love and vibrancy, and I felt an extraordinary amount of energy.  I started my car and drove back home.

The entire trip home was spent in gratitude.  I was grateful to be alive.  Grateful to have so many great people in my life who inspired me and loved me.  I was grateful for everything that I'd been through, including the drive by, and I was extremely grateful for where I was in life.  I've been through a lot: self destructive behavior, depression, bad relationships, more issues than a newstand, and plenty of bad choices.  At the time it all felt horrible.  I felt helpless, desperate, and unworthy of goodness.  Despite it all, eventually it passed, as it always does.  On the other side of that mess was victory.  I became a much stronger person because of all of it.

I'd certainly come a long way, but I still had a ways to go.  There were still many things that I needed to do.  I would love to tell you that from that point on, I turned everything around and got busy fulfilling my dreams, because I didn't.  I would love to tell you that right afterwards I got my act together for good and completely changed my life immediately, because that isn't true either.  I can tell you that I became very focused on goals.  I wrote out pages and page of things that I needed to do.  I had my own personal "Honey Do" list going.  The thing is, a To Do is not the same as goals.  Goals provide you the overall direction in which to go.  The To Do list makes up the steps that you should take to achieve the goals.  I didn't have goals.  I just had lists of things to do, which lacked focus. 

Besides the lack of focus, the lists were overwhelming.  I had no idea where to start.  I picked at little things here and there.  I was doing a lot and not accomplishing anything.  I became discouraged and fell back into old habits.  I was back to procrastination.  I made no effort to write out and solidify my goals.  My eating habits were back to being out of control and I was living in front of the tv again.

I thought back to the drive by some times.  It made me think seriously about the current direction of my life.  I honestly wasn't happy where I was.  I definitely wouldn't be content to continue on this path and live out the remainder of my life this way.  I wasn't fulfilling my purpose.  As a matter of fact, I had no idea what my purpose was.  I believed it would all come to me if I sat still and listened, so I got quiet.  

To be continued... 

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