Monday, November 30, 2009

The Saddle

I have to apologize.  Not only do I owe you the conclusion to a story, but I owe you a better effort to keep posts consistent.  I haven't posted in a month of Sundays.  *Sidebar: Can someone please tell me where the that saying came from?*  I digress.

I had this laundry list of the reasons that I haven't posted in so long, but I balled it up and threw it away.  I don't necessarily want to focus on falling off the saddle except to acknowledge it and apologize for doing so.  I'm not even going to say that it won't happen again, because that would be a lie and it is important for me to be honest with you.  I can, however, say that I hope that it won't happen again.

Instead, I'd like to focus on the blessing or the silver lining.  Through not posting, I realize how many people read and enjoy my posts despite the lack of posting comments.  The other positve is that I have come to know that a part of me that I'd hoped was gone is not. 

Since high school, I had this tendency that when things were going well: diets, exercise programs, schedules that I set for studying, things that I set up to correct a behavior, something within me had other ideas.  It would throw a monkey wrench in my spokes and sabotage everything.  It was completel out of control.  The motivation and encouragement that I had to continue the good things that I was doing would suddenly disappear and turn into this bored and lazy attitude.  Then things would go back to the usual.  I'd go back to eating like before, quit exercising, and then gain back every pound that I'd lost.  My studies fell off and my goals would be left unachieved.   I didn't understand what it was in the beginning.  I thought that there was something wrong with me and that no one else had this issue.  Turns out that I was wrong.

I'm not sure why, but I noticed it a lot less these past few years.  Since so many great things have been happening lately, I thought that it was a thing of the past, but it has creeped back into the picture.  To be totally honest, I'm not sure that it ever left.  *sigh*  This is so frustrating.  I don't know why the self sabotage is happening.  Maybe it is fear of change or of being successful.  Maybe it is just about remaining comfortable.  Maybe it is my subconscious playing a preprogrammed and out of date tape.  Whatever it is, knowing that it is still there is a blessing.

I firmly believe that I have what it takes to acheive all of my goals and be succesfull.  I believe that I can have the life that I want down to the type of rims I want on my car, but if there are some things in my subconscious that I don't deal with, then either it will be much harder to fight with myself to acheive my goals and / or my successes will slip right through my fingers.

Acknowledgment is the first step to dealing with any issues and now that I have acknowledged the self sabotage,  I am prepared to get back in the saddle and find a solution to deal with it and not let it hinder me any further.  I will keep you updated on my findings and I will also be posting the conclusion to "How a Drive By Changed My Life" very soon.  Thank you for sticking around!  I hope that all of you had an wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!


  1. Hi, my name is Kesha, & I realized the other day I am my own worst enemy w/ self sabotage. It's an ugly thing. What I'm working on now is stopping the negative/pessimistic thinking, & going the more positive/optimistic route. It's a challenge, but I'm determined to succeed.
    Thanks for posting.

  2. You're welcome and thank you for reading! Self sabotage is definitely hard. It's an alert system to a blockage of some sort, like a fear ignored and unchecked. Self sabotage works to get our attention for something that we really need to fix before we can successfully move forward.

    I applaud you for working on making the shift from negative to positive thinking. It really is a "game changer". The best thing that helped me was being in gratitude. Being grateful for the good, the bad, and the ugly made it easier to find the silver lining in any situation. I even wrote a post about it. ;-) Let me know how it all works out!