Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Diary of an Emotional Eater - Entry 36


Photo by Dhammza
I'm an emotional eater.  (Click to tweet it if you're brave.)  

I eat when I'm bored, upset, sad, or whenever I feel emotionally uncomfortable.

This has been my Achilles heel for like EVER, but I didn't fully get it until I did my first Master Cleanse.  Not being able to eat causes you to recognize how, when, and why you eat.

I used to eat sourdough pretzels when I would read at night.  I wasn't hungry or anything, but it felt like I needed to do it.  I didn't dawn on me that I was emotionally eating then.  Doing the Master Cleanse helped me to cut out that particular behavior, but I still struggle with emotional eating.

I know that this is something that many women deal with, so I wanted to share some of my emotional eating moments with you guys.  I have a number of them, so they'll pop up from time to time.  Here goes!

11/25/12

My body feels like a prison. I feel trapped.  Feels like I'm punishing myself for doing the right things. Or wrong things.  Or both, I guess. 

Whenever I make progress, I find myself backtracking.  It's out of the blue, but like clockwork.  I make some kind of progress, then all of a sudden, I just don't feel like doing what I was doing, no matter how much better I feel or look.  No matter how much I enjoy it.  

I start feeling bored. 

Then I find myself heading back down the same road.  Heading back to the place where I am the least comfortable, the least confident, the least ALIVE.  That's where I am where I am right now. 

I don't know what to do. 

Something is missing. There is a hole here somewhere.  And I am stuffing myself in hopes that the hole will be filled, but it never works.  

I feel full for 5 seconds.  I feel full while I lick off the cream filling in the middle of my Oreos.  I feel full hearing the loud crunch in my ears as I bite down on a handful of Doritos.  I feel full while I pour the sweetest drink down my throat.  

I feel full while my stomach expands from eating or drinking more while a little voice is whispering for me to stop.  I can barely hear it.  

Maybe full isn't the right word.  

My stomach is full.  Beyond that even.  But emotionally, I am far from it.  It's more of a feeling of numbness.  

I'm numb to the feelings that I have about an overdue bill.  I'm numb to yet another rejection.  I'm numb to the feelings of fear. 

I'm numb to the overwhelming feeling of shame that my body can barely fit into my "wear in case of a weight gain emergency" pants.  

You know the ones.  They're the pants that you can only wear when you have crept up to the highest weight you've ever been.  No matter how long it's been since you've worn them, you keep them in the back of your closet.

Just in case.

Not feeling too good. I feel bloated.  Gassy.  Big.

I'm numb to it all.  For a moment.  When I am popping something else into my mouth when I'm not hungry.


And I don't like it. 

But I keep doing the same thing that keeps me in this place.

I need to do something. I'm searching.

I am scared to be without the numbness. What will happen if I numb the anger?  Or the pain?  What will life be without it?

But is this even life?  Maybe without it, living life actually begins.

In the comments below tell us:  Are you an emotional eater?  What emotions trigger you?  Have you been able to stop emotional eating?  What has helped you?  

Remember: Your comments and honesty are helpful to others, so please share freely.  Thank you.


13 comments:

  1. I am stunned to see the words I've so often thought in writing. That is 100% my same journey. You are brave and I respect you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much, Michelle! You are brave too for your comment. :-) I respect and appreciate you. :-)

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  2. I'm the opposite. Guess that would make me an emotional starver, still not good. Forget to eat when stressed, depressed r even rushed. Guess we need to strike. Healthy balance between the two!

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    1. Welcome Heather! So mad at "emotional starver", but I've heard of that too. You're right, a healthy balance is definitely necessary. Thanks for your comment!

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  3. Girl, we share a similar story. Emotional eating? Heck yeah! But here's the thing, I don't eat when I'm down or anything like that, I like to go out and get the best of meals when I'm happy - which is a LOT! I like to eat when I'm happy. Not sure if that makes sense but I'm working on not "celebrating" everything with food. Anytime something good happens, I'm ready to go eat! I'm a work in progress :-)

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    1. I never thought about that, but it makes perfect sense. The emotional part of emotional doesn't necessarily mean negative emotions. Thank you for your comment, that definitely adds another dimension to this.

      Girl, aren't we ALL works in progress?!

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  4. Me too me too. I am an emotional eater. I eat for everything. Happy, sad, excited, afraid, anxious (especially anxious) to celebrate, to console, to fill time, to distract from loneliness. I can't think of am occasion where I don't eat. I don't have the answer, but I do know you are not alone.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment! It is good to know that none of us are alone. :-)

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  5. I love the bravery you showed in writing this article and sharing so much of yourself with your readers. Looking at the comments, there are a lot of people who needed to read your words.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Janeane. I truly feel what you are saying. I appreciate your support. :-)

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  6. This sounds super familiar. Five years ago I got news that made my heart break and I pushed through it... I ignored it really and I focused on me... and then one day I snapped...the walls came crashing down and I was drowning. It finally hit me that I couldn't let it run my life because it might very be the death of me. I got to the point that I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and the next day I put a stop to it. I prayed and leaned on God and that seems to keep me going. The picture of what I thought my life should look like shattered but its been replaced by a happier me. Thank you today for your words.

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    1. OMG, this is wonderful and so moving!!!! I am sooo glad that you shared this with us. Your comment is so helpful for us all. (hugs)

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