Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Start of Something Big

Photo by Stuart Anthony

Today is my birthday, so as promised, here is a special post that I've been saving for a while.  This is one of those "put your heart on the page" type posts.  I thought that it might be too much or that I had gone too far in what I wanted to share with you guys, but it is all apart of my journey.  

This is my way to be more open, more honest, expose my fears, be more vulnerable, enlighten, listen, and learn.  This post is a snapshot of a poignant moment in my life.  I just so happen to be sharing that moment with all of you.


Dedicated to my dear friend, Arelis...

The first line of this post was going to be, "I'm dying."  Not literally, but the Me that I've been all these years is no longer the Me that I am becoming.  It has been a struggle letting her go, so upon the prompting of my dear friend, I started to write an obituary for that part of my life.  Then the post turned into something else.  

I started free writing.  I started crying.  I was buzzing and everything was a blur until I looked down and here were these words.  I didn't go back and edit much, (just grammar and what not), or try to steer this post in the direction that I had originally intended.  I just wrote from my Soul.

It is my hope that this will not only help propel me forward with openness and honesty, but that it will touch You, the reader, in a way that moves you towards your own inner growth.  With that I give you... 

The Start of Something Big

The Old Me is dying.  She's lethargic.  She's so tired.  She just wants to close her eyes for the last time, but I won't let her.  I can't let her go.  I NEED her.  

I remember a time when she was younger.  Mom used to call her "Fearless Fosdick".  She wasn't afraid of anything: snakes, creepy crawly insects, telling a story about a man-eating pumpkin to a room full of art museum goers, looking adults directly in their eyes or reciting Christmas and Easter poems to pews full of people.  She exhibited no fear.  She was quiet then.

Life happened to her, as it does for everyone, and She began to change.  She went from having very few fears to seemingly being afraid of everything: talking to boys, getting in trouble, standing up for herself, not being accepted by others, or imperfection.  

As She got older, those fears morphed and took on a new role in her life.  She had fears of not making it, not doing things the right way, how others viewed her, and fears about how success will expose who She is underneath it all.  Those fears were backed by things that happened directly to her, things that happened to people She knew, and what She heard about and saw out in the "real world".  She believed that those fears were "founded".  They were based on something very real.  They were there as a warning, a boundary line not to be crossed.  

I based so much of my life on what She believed about people, about how life works, and how to navigate without falling and getting hurt.  I respected what She told me.  I knew that She loved me in her way, but what She wanted was a life of ease and without risk.  

I followed her lead.  I figured that She's gotten me this far.  I was content for a while, but lately something has been bubbling up to the surface.  I'm feeling a bit bored.  Unfulfilled.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful for her protection all of these years.  I'm grateful for her voice in my ear guiding me, trying to keep me from things that I couldn't handle.  But through this journey, I've realized that I've played it safe.  I've made it my business to stay in the background even though in my heart I know that that is not where I am meant to be. 

I can't say that it was all her fault.  I could have chosen a different road.  I could have listened more to what is now emerging as a strong voice within me.  I could have listened to my intuition to do things differently, but I was afraid.  

I knew what I knew from my experiences and things that I saw.  I didn't think that I was ready for what happens next.  I needed instruction, advice, facts, demonstrations, more knowledge to feel safe enough to proceed.  I didn't believe that I was enough, so I searched for all of those things.  I was looking for security.  I needed to KNOW that I was making the right decision.  How could I know for sure?    

This whole time, this New Me has been telling me something different.  She's telling me to extend my arms, close my eyes, and jump.  She's been pushing me to take just one step.  And then another.  Through feelings of sadness, vibrant jumpy nerves that make my skin tingle, unshed tears about something, and blinding happiness, and other raw emotions, she's been communicating to me that I want so much more.  That I am here to do so much more.  She's telling me that I can be, do, and have things that I never thought I could and that I deserve so much more than I am allowing.   

She's been saying this all along, but I didn't hear her.  When I did hear her, I didn't believe her.    The Old Me had my ear.  The Old Me never required more of an effort from me.  

These past several months, things have started shifting in a different direction.  The Old Me is still very much ingrained in my life, but I've been listening more to what the New Me has to say.  Her voice is so refreshing.  I feel so alive and full of emotion when I hear her speak.  I try hard not to hesitate when she tells me to act.  The Old Me is still there and she is constantly whispering her concerns and worries.  Before, she won out 100% of the time.  Now, she is winning the argument less and less.  

With every argument that she loses, I've experienced happiness, joy, and most importantly, I've experienced growth.  Some of the experiences haven't started off great, i.e. the end of my relationship with my fiance'.  Whenever those things happened, the Old Me said, "Didn't I tell you not to listen to her?  Just quit what you're doing and come closer to me.  We can fix this."  The New Me told me," Push forward.  There is a present for you on the other side of this."  My response was, "Cake perhaps?  Alright I'll keep going."  (lol  I'm a big girl.  What do you expect?  Don't judge me.)

Every time I kept going, I tried to remain open even though the Old Me was always there.  When I reached the end, the experience turned out better than I could have ever expected.  I was grateful that I listened, no matter how bad it got.

I can't deny how I feel with the New Me.  I fully feel the gamut of emotions with her.  Good, uncomfortable, elated, overwhelmed, all of it.  It's a challenge, especially since I feel complete comfort with the Old Me.  She doesn't push me.  She lets me be and when I try to step out there, she reels me back in however she has to.  I know what to expect.  Even though I'm not totally happy about that, there is something to be said for knowing what's next.  There is something to be said for having a grasp on things.  Control.  

That's why I can't let the Old Me go completely.  I'm heading more towards the New Me.  The Old Me is slowly losing her grip.  She's still holding onto me, but I'm holding on to her too.  I love her.  I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen or who I will be without her, but I have faith now.  I'm learning to fully trust the Universe and surrender the reigns.  

It's taking time, so for now I'll keep on holding onto her until I fully realize that She can no longer serve me.  When I know with every cell in my entire body that I am strong enough to go on without her.  I'm getting there though.  

As much as I want to fight against the feeling that I still need her, I know that is ok to feel like this.  This is all a part of growth: acknowledgment and acceptance.  The Old Me is proud that I acknowledge and honor her.  The New Me is proud that I am accepting what is and that I am growing.  That is all that they truly want from me.  

Gratitude and Love
I'm grateful for your continued support through the ups and downs.  I couldn't ask for more.  I look forward to new experiences on this journey for the next year.  I love you guys!

Photo credit lurve: Photo by Stuart Anthony

9 comments:

  1. Awe...Beautiful! Happy Birthday please know the old and new you is loved and appreciated. You arr definitely an inspiration and I'm blessed 2 know you!

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    1. Thanks so much Cass! I'm blessed to know you too! :-)

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  2. This is beautiful and completely inspirational! Happy Birthday boo :)

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  3. Beautiful and very inspirational! Growing pains are real and we continue to experience them throughout our lives. Happy Belated Birthday!

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  4. Wonderful letter, love it!

    I felt every word and laughed and teared up along the way. Love how raw, real, and flowing this is chica!

    Welcome to the New You and may she continue to take the world by the horns all while still honoring the Old You. :-)

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  5. Your words resonate... It's a struggle I'm experiencing. I think the new me is echoing in the background and I can't hear exactly what she's saying. She's been trying to sneak messages around the comfortable me, but I'm so attached to comfortable me and held to her by fear & anxiety that I'm not sure if I'll ever get away.

    Thanks for sharing your truth and journey - it is definitely inspirational. Fabulous work.

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  6. Happy birthday, Beloved!

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  7. Where's my tissue! I'm so happy the old you is losing her grip! It's hard stepping out and pushing forward. However, nothing worth having is without getting with some effort. I know you have so many great and beautiful things in store for you. The future is so bright love! You don't have to let her go completely, after all she is a part of you. We all have fears, concerns, doubts and for a good reason. We must push past those emotions and do it anyways. Comfort is no longer in your vocabulary until you feel comfortable about being uncomfortable!

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